The journey of life Chapter five

Failed Dreams


"I am a hardcore workaholic underpaid asshole." I had retaliated when the chef had asked why I wanted to resign. I had erupted, the volcano inside me had finally taken over, anger like lava flowing in the form of words. I had burst out, was it anger or really frustration that had been brewing inside me or was it the way I had led my life. But one thing was certain, my career as a chef was finally over, I was tired of life and had been thinking of moving on but it was just a dream and this volcano had sealed my fate.
I wore my chef clothes for the last time ,no longer a chef I took the Virar express for the last time .People shook hands and went at the end of the queue ,the rules were never broken ,never bent ,never taken for granted ,I was a free man ,four years had gone by and now I was jobless ,workaholic not paid asshole ,Was I really free or was it something that I could not control ,was it destiny? Or was it my fate? Had I known at that time what was in store for me would I have left my job? Would I have had the courage to leave my job .I knew were to go next.
"Siddhartha, what are you thinking?" Vishal asked. It had been a long time ago .Jindu was being released next week .Swarnalata was happy .I had met Jindu a couple of times in the jail and he was pleased that his family was being taken care off .
"how is Swarnalata?" he had asked every time I had visited him never mentioning his daughter once .Maybe he felt guilty mentioning his daughter or he didn’t want to discuss this sensitive topic with an outsider .Maybe the wound were healed and I didn’t want to bring up this topic up and pain him more . I had told Jindu how things were, how after a stiff resistance from Ram Singh and his son we had finally been able to establish ourselves. How Swarnalata had stood the grounds of time emerging more powerful with each storm that had shackled Shiv Shakti guest house.
Time that had stood still once had now been racing, competing with the best steeds, winner invariably being time.
Looking back, it started to reappear once again ,I had not been able to make a decision that day ,the lift door opened and I had walked back ,said sorry and had gone back to work .I knew that I wouldn’t be able to walk out ,I was running ,the irony of life ,when you want something in life it eludes you ,I had started this journey in search of my soul ,my true aim ,and all that I had ever found was more pain ,more misery ,agony .Had that man died on the tracks that day ? Did the condition of those Devdasis improve while I was still in jail; had her husband got down of the train when the fall had killed her? The questions which had no answers.
Was all this supposed to happen this way, was my life wasted in search of that ever eluding goal. I had suffered and still was .I had read somewhere that every man has a guardian angel but it seemed that I was the fallen angel suffering from wrath of God, Life had skipped past and I was still standing waiting for that answer when all I had to do was to stay calm and think materialistic.
"How much?" I was back sitting on the counter doing accounts for the restaurant .A tired looking man stood in front of me, he seemed to be old, had sunken eyes but had a striking resemblance to some one whom I had known in the past .He smiled, I could never forget how Randy smiled .Randy stood there staring at me trying to make out who I was.
"How are you feeling today?" I asked
"Right side up baby right side up"he answered as tears rolled out of his eyes.
"How are you Siddhartha, after so many years …." He couldn’t go on as he tried to hold back his tears.
"Still in search of my aim in life" I answered feeling sad as well as happy to meet someone whom I had known from my old days when I was still young, a friend.
That evening Randy and I sat down eating food ,he was happy to see that I was taking care and had shouldered the responsibility of Jindu’s family well .Although he felt that Vishal wasn’t exactly the kind of guy who wouldn’t have committed the crime he was imprisoned for .He related to me what had happened ever since we had parted ways ,the last time was that prison cell were we both were for a night .He had been in the jail for a very long time without a trial .It had seemed that justice had forgotten him and he was condemned to live in his prison cell for ever ,but had been recently been released due to the efforts of a human rights organization associated with UNESCO . Although during his years in Jail he had moved on from smoking Hashish to sniffing kerosene which was generally available in the prison kitchens and was used for cooking purposes and to keep prisoners high.
"Look at these mountains, they are still in meditation." Randy said
"Yeah what did you expect them to do?" I asked.
"Well when I was in jail, I had prayed to them, prayed that they would get angry and move, destroy the prison cell, end my misery and yet nothing happened but they did listen to me one day and my misery kind of ended." Randy said.
"Well you really think they are alive?" I asked Randy.
"You tell me?" Randy said.
"I don’t know?" I answered .I told randy how I had been released and about Jindu, his daughter s misfortune and other events that had happened in my life in the last Decade
"So we are all going to meet again, you, me Jindu" Randy smiled
"All but one." he added.
"Who?" I asked.
"Linny, you remember her? "
"not exactly ,I have forgotten her face " I lied .
"You are lying boss." Randy who could make out that I was lying said.
"She might be dead for all that I care ,being on drugs for such a long time would kill an elephant and she was just a human ." I said
"She’s not dead, just half dead"Randy replied.
"How do you know?"I asked.
"Well I have been in kind of touch with her, not that I knew where she was or what she was doing but I have been haunting her for a long time now in her thoughts." Randy spoke as a chill ran down my spine knowing that linny was still alive.
"What do you mean she is in India?" I couldn’t hide my excitement.
"Yeah, and she is not on drugs anymore, she is in an asylum, she went mad after a drug overdose" Randy said.
"How do you know so much about her?" I asked Randy.
"you know these mountain saints are alive, that day when I was pulled of the bus by those cops, it had an accident, fell in to the river Beas .For days she was in the hospital on drugs which were rejected by her body .After staying in the hospital for a year when she went back to her old life her body finally gave up and she went mad, all she remembered was me and a guy named Siddhartha". Randy said.
"How do you know all this?" I was surprised at Randy’s knowledge about Linny.
"Well I knew about the accident but the rest of the story was told by someone we both know. How do you think I got out of Jail ,Do you think out of those ten thousand foreigners lodged in Jails in India ,they would choose a drug addict failed Indian music star to release." He said.
"How?" I was really getting interested to know who it had been who still remembered Randy.
"Well Siddhartha, do you remember Rizzla? The South African Girl you took on that trek behind the guest house." He said.
"Yes, very well." How could I forget Rizzla ,she had inspired me so much in life .Our waste from the restaurant was still disposed in proper way and not just thrown off a cliff .Infact our restaurant was known for its cleanliness and hygiene standards all over that sleepy little town in the Himalayas. She was the girl who had taught me to fight.
"Well She is working as a senior Administrator with the human rights commission for UNESCO and was recently in India to find out about the conditions of foreign nationals in the jails in India .She happened to visit the asylum where linny is staying and when the doctor told her how linny accused herself for my down fall ,she was able to recollect meeting you and me and found out about both of us ,She went to meet you first but came to know of your release and then she headed for prison .She only told me that you were released five years ago and she couldn’t find you but she helped me get out of Jail on human grounds as I had suffered enough ,I mean ten years is a long time for carrying 10 grams of hashish ."Randy finished his statements at one go.
"Where is she now, I want to thank her." I said as a tear rolled out of my left eye .I didn’t recollect when I had cried last but I wanted to cry now ,somebody had remembered me for all these years not for what I was .
"She left for Africa last Saturday, I was at the airport to see her off ,when she asked me where was I headed for next ,was I going to go back home ,I had said I would go to see the place where all this had started , the Shiv Shakti guest house ,but little had I known ,although it came as a surprise to me that the place was still running ,that I will meet someone whom I always wanted to see before an angel would come down and free me from this misery called life. You see that’s why I feel that these mountains are alive listening to every word I say now for they have fulfilled my last wish, now I can go in peace." Randy went silent.
"But why are you talking of death, I know I don’t want anything else more right now but it seems you are obsessed with it." I said
"Remember I was a rock star once so the grim reaper is an idol for me and all that I wish for now is to meet him, the sooner the better, and remember john is also there." Randy smiled .Randy hadn’t changed much, gone old, his hair turned grey; he no longer had those good looks but still had that jest for life, that sense of humor.
"Hey guys, what’s up?" Vishal who had been busy running around all this time taking care of the restaurant said as he came down and sat next to Randy.
"Nothing, Randy was telling me about his past, where he had been and of course an old friend of ours who got him out of jail." I said.
"Must be a foreigner." Vishal said.
"So what’s your story?" Randy Asked Vishal.
"I was in the jail too, Siddhartha must have told you, but I was framed and wasn’t really involved in that rape case, she was a drug addict and wanted to sleep with me and when I refused, she had framed me for raping her." Vishal said.
"Well ,I don’t understand it was supposed to be a one night stand then why didn’t you do it ,I mean it could have saved you from all this agony you have gone through." Randy said.
"humm…for starters she wasn’t good looking ,was flat chested, although she had a nice bum she had a goatee and this wasn’t a kind of girl you would like to sleep with ,she told me about her past to gain my sympathy and even used tablets to shit .God only knows what all diseases she was suffering from. " Vishal said. The person Vishal told us about seemed to be familiar or rather too familiar for in a nanosecond Randy and I had uttered the same word "Linny..."
"How did you guys know her name, I never mentioned that." Vishal sounded rather surprised. His face was contorted in disbelief as he read the expression written all over our face that we knew the person he had hated most in his life. He had hated her so much that he had vowed never to take her name and yet we had known her all along. It was strange that one wasted life could affect three lives in such a manner, and yet we do not know how our actions would affect some one we don’t even know.
"Well this is really strange, our nemesis happens to be the same person, Linny, and now she is suffering for her sins, hell and heaven are both on this planet, in this life, you have to pay for your sins here only. " Randy spoke philosophically.
"What does that mean, it went over my head, I just want to know how the fuck you guys know Linny, although I have this strange feeling that she was the one responsible for the downfall of you guys, isn’t it so."Vishal said.
"Alas the moment of truth has arrived, lend me thy ears Vishal and listen to the strange turn of events that have more spice than a bollywood movie." Randy spoke theoretically.
I had known this all along that Linny was the girl who had brought down Vishal but it happened to be linny’s version .I however could not relate Vishal to the rape that Linny had so vividly described that afternoon before she had acknowledged me to be her guru .When Vishal had told me that she was Italian my heart had jumped a beat and when he had described her in person I knew who it was but never had the guts to tell Vishal that I knew her ,this had almost slipped out of my mind till now when getting carried away Randy and I had said her name ,and now Vishal knew that I had known all along .
"Siddhartha so you had known this all along and you never told me that you knew Linny." Vishal who felt cheated spoke.
"What was I supposed to tell you Vishal that the person who did this to you ,considered me to be her guru ,she broke my heart ,remember the first day when we met, you had told me about her and I knew it then, yet I knew she was wrong. I can make out the difference between right and wrong ,maybe you will understand the fact that I cherish you as a friend more than an enemy ,for I would have love to take revenge from a person who had supposedly raped my love . " I said.
Randy was looking at me dumbfounded as he couldn’t make any sense of what I had just said ,hell I couldn’t understand what I had just said but it did make sense to Vishal who got up and gave me hug. Tears rolling out of our eyes we hugged and stood there ,The mountain saints smiled and the fog that had so evidently tried to mar our friendship was gone .The stars came out in full force .It was a clear sky ,an astronomers dream .
"Hey guys, a shooting star, wish for something." Randy shouted and closed his eyes.
Vishal and I looked at Randy who had the innocence of a child on his face .For the first time I felt close to Randy, there was much more to his persona than his act of behaving like a moron.