Letter to Monica

It was the tenth day of may year 2005 when I joined a hotel called Velvett country in Khandala . I had been appointed as assistant manager for the food and beverage department and I was looking forward to working hard on this job as it had come after a long haul in my life . I had good accommodation and the staff was as usual not very happy of having me and looked forward to me leaving at the earliest but soon I got in to the groove and things began to look up I made a few friends with the other manager s who used to call me chameleon bcos of my mood swings this story is not about Kendall or my stay over there its a tribute to the only girl i fell in love with with my whole heart and loved her like there was no tommorow . It was her for whom i gwve up this job but i dont regret it because she was a dream i lived and she was the one girl who made me feel there was more to life then booze freinds and Parties .
Monica how do i describe her nothing like the person in my previous stories ,was a girl from the dreams and the day she walked in to khandala and my office ,i knew that some thing might happen . Ok i was a womaniser and loved all good looking girls but she had some thing about her . the innocence was astonishing ,the way she used to cry on little things when the staff or guest misbehaved only got me closer to her . it seemed that she was some one i could take care , mould her in to a real fine girl . But i kept my distance always becuase some where down in my heart, i knew she was going to leave in a couple of months and then i would not be able to bear the pain . but here she was in my department and i was her boss .
She would come to me with all her problems and i used to help her out with them . I knew she was sad .i knew her boy friend was there and i knew that i was only an emotional support .
It all started on the day when i had gone to drop off baman ( our store keeper ) to the station .
She was walking back home and i slowed my bike puposely to tease her asking her if she wanted lift . Baman had told me that he knew that look and she was damn impressed with me .
He got off and while coming back i stopped in front of her and she congratulated me on my new bike , which ofcourse was a second hand bike in liue of money that had been borrowed from me by the great JP our exe chef.
She asked me if i would like to go out with her and i couldnt refuse so we decided to meet in fifteen minutes i went back and came back as soon as possible only to cross her boyfriend on the way who was a trainee under me .
Monica was waiting , wearing a white shirt and jeans she looked her best but at that time i had no feelings for her and it all seemed so superficial . I was her boss only taking her for a ride on my new bike .
On the way it started raining heavily and i didnt stop .In my rear view mirror i saw her boyfriend following us and it spoiled my mood completely .I was sad as i knew this was over even before it started . We were seem by the hotel staff and the news reached the hotel before i did .
Things were finished before they even started but i was glad that it never happened and then it did.
I fell in love with her .I used to wait for her just like that standing in the rain and one day finally gathered the guts to ask her out for dinner and she refused . that day i cried for her for the first time . I knew i had lost her forever . i knew she was back with her boyfriend and i knew i was never going to get her but then i could love her even if she didnt .
They say when you love some one let her go and if it was yours it will come back to you .
Her department changed and she went in to the kitchen and rumours were afloat about her and her boyfriend all over the place this only saddened me as i had always thought she was a much smarter girl then to just become a house wife of a struggling hotelier
one day i dont know in what mood i was but i gave her a piece of my mind and i was surprised that she actually listened to me that day.
She postponed her plans to marry and i was so happy . My little girl was started coming back to me .
I loved you even more at that time monica.
Monica left the organisation on the second day of january for a new life in her home town in pune and all i did was send her messages thinking about her every minute i was lonely and this loneliness was killing me slowly . i lost intrest in work and in life .I just wanted her so badly that i started applying for jobs elsewhere and as luck had it . i lost my job and i lost her in the bargain.
But did i loose you or did i think i lost you because definitely i was short of cash i wasnt sending enough messages and wasnt happy .
Going in to depression for your love is a bad idea .
I treid in lot of places but my experience wasnt good enough and i was on the streets like a lost lover i would cry in the night longing for her .
The last time i saw you it was a dream . Some how i knew you no longer loved me the day you met me .
It wasnt just there in your eyes monica yet i believed in my love .
On first of july i joined as a buisness development Manager for my old boss for his construction company in goa and when you said you wanted to be just friends i knew i would not be the person you were going to spend your life with .I dont say that i left you and the pain is incredible of loosing you as my love for you is more then the 1700 + odd messages i sent you and have with me or all the videos of yours that i have kept with me or the mobile phone that carries your pic as a screen saver . i miss you , i think of you but i know i am never going to be the one you opt for in your life .I cant beg you , i cant cry in front of you and i cant show you how much i love you .
No cigrette burn , no knife , no letters in blood will ever be able to tell you how much i loved you and still love you .
You ask for my friendship , call me your best friend and yet your life was getting complicated because of me so i told you to get married to the person of your choice , I know i wont be able to come to your marriage or face you ever because the love in my eyes may come out in the form of tears .Because my heart may stop at seeing you kiss some body else because i love you not from my heart but from every drop that flows in my viens .
I pray for you always and if you ever come to goa please go to the lover cross at the bambolim church because there i prayed for your happiness and buried my love for you .All i want from you is to put some flowers on the grave of my love for you .
I know you may never read this and i know you may neve understand what my love for you is but hey it was about a house that i bought for you . It was about going to the church for you and it was about giving up drinking for you , It was about staying away from girls for you .It was about keeping happy when you were not there . Because it was about the promises i made to you and still am keeping .
I am always there for you .
And yes If you need any help ever regarding any thing do get in touch .You have my number ,you have my email Id and you know trekmate is always the best guy you could ever had .