Post -Mortem

Go where the drama is, Sagittarius, but not where the melodrama is. Place yourself in the path of the most interesting power, but don't get distracted by displays of power that are dehumanizing or narcissistic. You are in a phase of your astrological cycle when you have a mandate to intensify your excitement with life and increase your ability to be deeply engaged with what attracts you. I urge you to be as brave as you once were when you conquered a big fear and to be as curious as you were when you discovered a big secret about who you are. For extra credit, be highly demonstrative in your expression of what you care about.
This was the weeks forecast for my star sign. Go where the drama is, but not where the melodrama is. I wondered as I sat down reading the statement. I had come to completion of a long journey, which had been nothing but pain in the back side. Three years of constant struggle with few periods of joy and excitement. There were so many dreams, hopes, aspirations that had been shattered due to unavoidable circumstances. I was no longer the innocent person I used to be, and while I had decided not to fall in to any traps of the love kind again , a melodrama started to unveil itself right before my eyes. I was being blamed for not responding to telephone numbers and not keeping in touch and yet I was too cautious not to fall in to that trap again. After all I had suffered enough and did not want to put myself in to any more pain again. Those who know me know it well that once I become cold its really tough to make me warm again because cold is generally associated with death and once someone or something dies, it is gone. I may respond but may never feel the same again because something died and when you try to revive it, all you discover is worms of the past and that rotten smell.
I decided to place myself in the path of a more interesting power. The power of my mind and decided to go forward and study the complex functioning of my mind. It had been lately playing havoc with my psyche showing me signs of the future to come and it was extremely important for me to read these signals than fall prey to mind games that someone was trying to play with me once again. I really wasn’t keen on it any more. It was really up to me how and where I put an end to it. It was easy .
My mandate in life was to do something extraordinary and not falling in to complex relationships with no future was definitely not going to be a part of it any more so I decided to take this road trip and yet as I stop on my journey, making these notes, it is something important that I need to do as these questions with no answers will keep on haunting my mind if I do not respond to them. Over the years I have realized that the best way to sort out your mind is to write it all down, so it does acts a guiding force in the future. Off course you are not going to listen to what your mind at that point of time told was correct. You either are too madly in love not wanting to believe that the person you are in love with is going to hurt you more than the last one. Perhaps you try to make a relationship successful and not make the same mistakes as you did in the last, but, in the end if your destiny defines you as not meant for love, you shall be hurt even worse.
It does say to conquer your biggest fear. I was always afraid of falling in love. I knew when it came to sustaining myself in the real world, I would figure out a way and God has always been merciful in those regards. It is only this “Love” that has often caused problems in my life. Someone once told me if not said with conviction means nothing. How true it was because I do believe that whenever I have said it, I have always meant it. Perhaps I loved that person too much and used it too often for it to have lost meaning in that person’s eyes.
It is not that, I don’t feel bad. I may proclaim a lot of things about myself and yet when asked a simple question “I think you still love me” I am not able to answer it. May be love is like a fire, when you fuel it, it burns bright and when it dies down, the ambers still are hot enough, that is taken as love. The only thing that can help in such cases is to put ice cold water and yet we are afraid that the ashes may generate enough steam to scald us for life. The best way is to leave it alone. With time everything dies and the ambers will also become cold to be swept away by strong rains or winds.
Who am I? A question that has perplexed me for ages and an answer that I seek. I was named Siddhartha. It means one whose aim in life is accomplished. It is a rather strange case to be born with your life’s aim accomplished, without even knowing it. I may be fortunate for knowing it and yet my quest for a true soul mate deludes me. May be I will find her, maybe I don’t. I really don’t care about it anymore for I am setting off on a new quest. A journey that is only beginning.